The Importance of Following Through

One of the BIGGEST LESSONS TO LEARN AS A PARENT is that you NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER THREATEN SOMETHING YOU WON'T FOLLOW THROUGH ON. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever say something you don't mean. Something like "If you don't listen to me then you will never have chocolate again." Well, it's obvious that is an empty threat.

At the store the other day I overheard a Mom with four small children tell her second oldest son that if he didn't behave then the cops would come take him away. Seriously Mama? Not only is she making cops bad guys (where hopefully kids feel they can trust them in emergencies) she is making a huge empty threat. Kids figure that out really quick. Like, the first couple times you don't follow through.

At a Love and Logic parenting course I attended there was a story mentioned where a Mother was at her wits end because every time she took her daughter shopping with her she wouldn't leave the play place, and if she dragged her away she would scream for hours until they would go home. The Mother was horrified and usually just left early because she didn't want to deal with the embarrassment of having a screaming, tantrum child in the mall. (If I remember right, she was a single mother)

One day she asked her good friend to park her car outside of the mall and wait for her call. When the Mother got to the mall she prepped her child by telling her that she could play at the play place for fifteen minutes, then she needed to behave and not scream and shout while they did their shopping. IF the daughter didn't cooperate then she would call her friend (she was a good family friend) to come pick her up and take her home for a nap. 

So, off to the play place they went and when it was time to go shop (as expected) the daughter threw her massive tantrum. The Mother then called her friend to come and pick up her daughter and take her home for a nap. Since this was all expected the friend was already waiting in her car outside. She packed up the daughter and took her home, AND didn't let her play but put her down for a nap. The Mother enjoyed taking her time shopping. As you can imagine.

Every time from then on the daughter knew that her Mother was serious and would follow through on what she said, and she behaved when they went shopping. Of course the Mother had to KEEP following through on what she said as well. One time does not cut it.

On Sunday we had Stake Conference. For those that are LDS you know that it is two hours of conference in the chapel with your whole family. Kids and all. And unfortunately for us it was at 1pm which is pretty close to nap time. I tried to make sure that we had enough games/colors/toys/snacks/etc. to keep them pretty busy for two hours, but Punkin (2) wasn't interested in anything but the snacks. After they were gone she got a little restless and decided to try dancing in the isle.

I quietly and firmly told her to come back into the pew. She ignored me, so the next time I said "This is your warning, if you don't come back then I'm going to take you home and you're going to take a nap. She decided to test my resolve and kept dancing around. So, I turned to Daddy and said "I need your keys because I need to take her home for a nap." Then I went to pick her up...well, she threw herself on the floor and started to whine, so I picked her up and walked out. Once we were outside she got happy and thought "Hey, I like it out here." But I walked her to the car and took her directly home. We did the naptime routine and she went down. Once we had started the naptime routine she realized that I was indeed very serious and didn't even fuss when I put her down for her nap.

Other times do not go so well. There is screaming and shouting. Usually they seem to scream more over the little things, oddly enough. Perhaps we're about to dish up ice cream after dinner and Precious (4) keeps bullying Punkin (2). Let's say she won't let her into the kitchen. I always give a warning first. (If/Then scenario) "If you don't stop bothering your sister, then you will not get any ice cream. This is your warning." If it continues then she looses the privilege to have ice cream. She will usually say sorry, sorry, sorry, and promise not to do it again, but she had her chance to stop. She deliberately was disobedient and disregarded my instructions. Privilege lost.

On really rare occasions, if I feel it's right, I will give a second chance with another warning. "Okay this time you can have you ice cream, BUT you better be nice to your sister or you will go to time out." Maybe I'll up the stakes a bit. I don't prefer to do this (like I said it's really, really rare), and here's why. First, of course I'm not really following through when I give her the second chance after her warning, and second because it actually takes more energy out of me. I have to monitor her to see if she's going to follow through on her promise and not bother her sister, and if she doesn't behave then she'll go to time out which is harder on her and me.

Now, for example's sake let's say I gave her the first warning about stopping or she won't get any ice cream. She doesn't stop and I tell her she won't be getting any ice cream. First she'll probably whine and cry, and I'll say something like "You made your choice. You chose not to be obedient and now you don't get your ice cream." I reiterate why she is getting the consequence so that the process and lesson sticks in her mind. Then, "Please stop whining or you will have to go into another room."
Here is another choice she is faced with. Will she calm down or keep it up? If she calms down she may go play and do something else. Later I may give her the option to earn back the ice cream. If she does a chore, or something especially selfless. Or on the other hand she might keep up her screaming.

At this point I usually take a quick mental inventory:
-Did she have a nap today? Or yesterday? Did she sleep enough last night?
-Did she eat enough dinner? Is it hunger that's making her so cranky?
-Did something happen earlier in the day that would have hurt her heart? Is that what's making her act out?
If so, then there's something deeper rooted that I need to understand from her so that she can feel better and start acting better. If I'm not sure if there is something that's hurting her heart, then I ask. "Why are you acting like this? Did something happen today that made you sad, or made your heart hurt?"
If I feel that something might be my fault (like I didn't make sure she ate enough, or sleep enough, or it's late at night), then I usually ease up on her. I have to take my own responsibility too.

In this case we'll say that she has no reason to be acting out and simply is throwing a fit over her consequence and she won't calm down. I give her the options, "You can either go into the other room and throw a fit, or you can go to time out." Then I follow through depending on her choice.

I didn't make it a habit to make sure and follow through until Precious was about 2 or so. I got so sick of "one more." You know, every parent says it. "One more. Just one more, okay?" then you hand over what is hopefully the last marshmallow (or whatever relevant thing) and they start to cry,
"Mooooore, just one mooooore!!!"
Then you say a little louder and firmer, "Okay last one, one more and all done okay?"
They smile sweetly and get one more. Then again...."One more. One more!"
"No, I already said one more, that means we're all done."
Crying, whining, gnashing of teeth...."NoooooooOOOOO! More!!!!"
"Okay, just ONE MORE and that's it!!!"
They smile through their dramatized tears and say "Okay, one more."
And on, and on, and on it can go until frustration boils over and I'll just wanna throw her in time out for whining so much and go somewhere I can't hear her anymore! Right?

I realized that "one more" to a child just meant more and more, perhaps just one at a time. So, I implemented "One more and all done."
We do baby sign-language with our kids. Not elaborately, just words that they really needed to communicate or understand on a day to day basis. "All done" is one of them. It's both hands in front of you palms up, then turn them so it's palms down. Really simple. So I would always hold up one finger, for "one more," then do the palms up-to-down for "all done."
It took A LOT of times being true to it before she understood that I wasn't kidding. I really meant what I said. It was tears and yelling, but that goes away after standing your ground the first 2-3 times. But stand your ground! Don't waiver! TRUST ME that it's easier to stick it out through the first time (even if it's hours of crying, even all day of crying) then to give in and try again, and again, and again. They'll know that it was hard for you, and they'll keep pushing you each time until they can get what they want. I have learned that kids WANT to know that we are a constant in their lives. At heart they don't want us to be pushover's. They don't know how to communicate that, and it's mostly in their subconsciousness. But I'll get into that in another post.

I noticed though, that when Grandma came to visit on one occasion, she didn't know about our "rule" (if you wanna call it that). Precious took full advantage of "one more" then "one more" etc, with Grandma, until I told her how it was at our house. Then Precious realized what had happened and stopped whining when Grandma didn't do "one more and all done" over and over anymore.

I always try to remember that if I'm not a consistent person, others (kids, adults, whomever) won't trust me and my word. I think that adults are even more used to giving chances again, and again, and again, but kids seem to learn pretty quickly and they will test you thoroughly. Kids will also model their parents. They have such keen eyes it's scary.

I was telling my husband a while ago that it's the biggest injustice and blessing that our kids will learn to do everything we do. Good and bad, bad and good. They watch our reactions to situations and will do what we do (for the most part). If they react badly because they saw us do it and then we tell them not to behave that way....well, they can smell hypocrisy like a shark can smell blood. From miles and miles away. And that ruins the foundation of belief they have in us. Being a parent is the most perfecting process anyone could embark on. No wonder God recommends it. ;) It's hard and worth it.

I hope some of this is helpful to someone. I think about parenting alllllllllllllllllllllllll the time, and it's nice to have a place to put my thoughts. So, let me know what you think. Was this helpful? Do you have any questions? Let me know your insights and let's all learn from each other.
Post in the comments or comment on FB  :)

I wish you all the same thing I wish for me:
Clarity of mind so that we can do what is best for our children, and raise them the best we can in this world to become the best they can be.

~Crystal

Job/chore system for kids - Guest Post!

~Michelle and I at Women's Conference last Spring~

Please give a BIG welcome to my guest blogger, Sunshine Michelle! 

Michelle is my older sister, who is just the MOST AMAZING MOM EVER! (with the exception of our incredible Mom, of course). 

Michelle's first name is Sunshine, but I grew up calling her Michelle (which is her middle name), and now she goes by Sunshine...well, old habits die hard so I still call her Michelle. Anyway.... :D

She has four incredible kids. Two boys and two girls. The oldest is 15, and the youngest is 8. She also has really great systems that she uses for teaching her children, and she is constantly teaching them great character traits and to recognize them in each other, as well as how to be responsible, frugal, and loving people. Michelle uses a great method that she uses for chores/jobs, and she's sharing it with us today. If you have any questions put them in the comments at the bottom of the post and I'm sure she would be happy to answer them for you in the comments. 

To download the printable cleaning cards Michelle has made CLICK HERE.

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I have 4 wonderful kids who are constantly searching for more jobs to do… NOT! But if you have one of those, feel free to send them my way. We used to struggle with jobs though and although there might be a little struggle, it’s not the meltdown drama we used to have.

First of all… having my kids do jobs is not something I do because it is easier and creates more time for me. HA HA HA HA that would be so nice! It usually takes more time, effort and reminding than I would like but the benefits are totally worth it. It’s like training someone new at work. You have to take the time to teach them, show them what they need to do better, correct mistakes, instill pride in their efforts… but they do learn the expectations and how to do it and later on, it does take less time and effort on my part.

First off, I divided the house into areas: kitchen, Library, Bathrooms and Front Room and their bedroom was a never changing area. Each of these areas had a daily to do list (cleaning card). I put the to-do lists in those plastic sleeves you hang on lanyards so they could grab one and “check them off”, we did it mentally but my thought was that they could use a dry erase marker, as they went through their chores. When they were done, they would bring me their card and I would check to make sure everything was done.

Things I learned:

#1 DO NOT rule: DO NOT RE-DO THEIR WORK! Either accept it as good or show them how to do it better and have them model it. Take in consideration their age and ability, but do expect them to do their best. What I have to remind myself is that it is more important to teach them these skills than to have an absolutely spotless house.

#1 DO rule: Praise, Praise, Praise! Let them know you appreciate their hard work and that they are doing a good job. It goes far further and longer than any monetary or short-term rewards.

Example:

BATHROOMS MONDAY Pick up Rooms Bed Floor Closet Dresser Dishes

You can see the standards for each day: Pick up rooms – They are in charge of maintaining the room. Bed, Floor, Closet, Dresser are for their bedrooms. That way they can remember each spot and its expectation. Dishes refers to putting the clean dishes away. (They each have an area of the dishwasher they put away too).

BATHROOMS TUESDAY Pick up Rooms Sweep & Mop Dust/Figurines Wipe Walls Wipe Sinks/Toilets Bed Floor Closet Dresser Dishes

They decided to have Long Days and Short Days. The other option was spreading all the jobs out throughout the week. You can see the additional jobs for their area in addition to their daily jobs. I was trying to teach them that maintaining their rooms was the easiest way to keep a house clean… I’m still not sure if they get it, but the house is cleaner than before.

Don’t feel like your kids are too young. I started these lists when my kids were about 5-7-8 &12. They can do it!

We DO rotate… which does cause a bit of a “reminder” time… remembering how to be thorough and meet the expectations. We rotate each month.

Rewards:

In the beginning, we didn’t pay them at all. About a year ago, we really wanted to teach them about money, so we decided to pay them 10 cents a job… x4 does add up! We did make it VERY clear that they do jobs because they are responsible for taking care of the house, we all work on it together, but they were only being paid so that they could learn about money and responsibility.

What did we do before attaching it to money? Their rewards were based on their areas…

“Bathrooms” Reward: Take a bath in the jetted tub!

“Library” Reward: Chooser (Music or if we happened to be going out to eat, they could choose from our options)

Kitchen” Reward: Sous Chef (Help plan and make meals)

Front Room Reward: Sit up front in the car (those who weren’t old enough, got to sit in the captain’s chair in the van) – this room was also the easiest.

They still have these rewards too. J

Good luck in teaching your kids to clean... and remember, your son or daughter-in laws will be so grateful to you for it! J

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Thank you Michelle! I'm going to be getting my girls cleaning on this system really soon. Thanks again! Love ya big sis :)

~Crystal

A feeding metaphor

This morning I was feeding Punkin oatmeal. She just turned two, by the way! So she has been feeding herself for a while. She still makes a mess when she eats certain things and oatmeal is one of them. I asked her if I could feed her and she said yes. I realized that it had been a while since I had spoon-fed her like this. Then while giving her delicious apple cinnamon oatmeal, that small inner voice said "When was the last time you spiritually fed her?"
I will guiltily admit that as I try to teach my children gospel principles throughout the day it's been forever since we've done Family Home Evening and really sat our children down to teach them about spiritual values and qualities.

I noticed a lot of similarities in the feeding process to the spiritual learning process.
As I scooped hot oatmeal I would blow on it before feeding it to little Punkin. She trusts me to feed her good food that isn't so hot that it will burn her. Nutritious food that will help her grow. If there are spills that happen I will clean her up and later when she feeds herself she will know how to clean up her own spills and messes. She will learn from me how to feed herself good and nutritious foods, and later to even cook and feed others.

All these things relate to spiritually feedings. Punkin trusts me to feed her the correct religious and Gospel principals that will help her in her life, and to teach her how to return to Christ after she has made mistakes. I will teach her to spiritually feed herself when she hungers and needs it, as well as how to share Christ's messages with others and teach her own children one day.

So, I have a new goal to really take the time to help them learn and feel the Spirit. I need to remember to be spiritually feeding them at least the same amount as I actually feed them physically.

Piczies

At our house most everything has to be called by it's cutesy name. 

My husband, Ben, started it. I think he got it from our friend's parents house, but he uses it for everything. 

It's not sweet cereal, it's sweetsy cereal. It's not a penny, it's a pennzy. And things like that. Most of them don't even make sense in their cutesy name, and I have no idea what he's talking about, but it's fun. 

So, I made a poster-meme-pinterest pin-whatever you wanna call it, and these things need their own name. Instead of: poster-meme-pinterest pin-picture-whatever you wanna call it. ;)

So, I present the very first "Piczie" on this blog:

Feel free to pin it or share it!

~Crystal

Cherish

Precious (aka: Bright Eyes) when she was almost 1 year old

A long while ago I was reading a friend's blog and she mentioned that her word for the year was going to be: Cherish.

At the time Precious was about 1 year old and I was trying to figure out just how to be a Mom. What could I do to entertain this child all day?? My fellow Mama's will know what I mean. I was getting stressed out adjusting to being a stay at home Mom. (It is a major adjustment!) That's when I read about my friend's new word for the year. Cherish.

I decided to put into practice cherishing all the small moments, when I could remember to. So, the moment Precious woke up from her nap and cried out "Mama, 'wake!" I went in and pulled her out of her crib and held her for an extra moment. I specifically chose to cherish that one moment. Cherish the small baby she was; cherish the happy way she woke up; cherish the trust she had in me as her Mother, and cherish that one moment that I could never have back again. Then we went into the kitchen and had lunch. That night I'm sure she probably got mad when I tried to feed her, or woke me up extra early the next morning. It's definitely hard (if not near impossible) to cherish some of those moments, but I feel that the JOY of life is to value and cherish the small, good moments in our lives. Pick a few everyday. Try and make it a habit and way of thinking.

Some recent moments that I have cherished are:
When Precious or Punkin have said, "I love you, Mama."
When Punkin looked at me and gave me a smile with peanut butter all around her mouth.
When Precious (3 years old) all by herself got a bowl of cereal ready for her sister (1 year old) without being asked or anything. (this morning's proud moment!) :)

|But I also want to add one more thing. Some parents feel pressured to "enjoy the ride" or "enjoy each of these fleeting moments with your children" and you know what, it's just not possible to enjoy EVERY moment of parenthood (imho). Being a parent is the H.A.R.D.E.S.T. thing I have ever done. And it is not all candy and cupcakes. Some days naptime and bedtime cannot come soon enough! Some days end in tears, for Mama and kiddos. I know that I constantly battle feeling inferior to my task of being a good Mother. And you know there are just some days that just aren't good days. That happens, and I accept it. Tomorrow is a fresh day with no mistakes in it. Tomorrow we try again. So, for myself I try to make sure not to put the pressure on myself of trying to make each day perfect. If it's a screaming battle kind of morning, then I strap on my "Mommy's in charge" boots and work through it. Afterwards I'm not going to beat myself up over not cherishing the hug I got after a looooong time out. Sometimes we just have to go through the motions and keep our routines. Cherished moments or not. That doesn't make us bad parents. That doesn't make us ungrateful. What makes us good parents is that we try again every day; keeping our children in our hearts.

From my home to yours,

~Crystal

Who's Red and Who's Brown?

Welcome! 
I created Red Brown and Cute (RBC) to share my parenting insights. I am NOT an expert...I am a Mother. 
There are always parenting insights and epiphanies that parents have while raising their children and I thought it would be good to record some of mine and share them! :D
Also, if I have them jotted down I can go back and refresh myself on the ones I forgot later on. Mommy-brain...you understand. 

Our family so far has two red heads and two brunettes. Daddy and Precious (daughter #1) have red hair and look exactly alike! Mommy and Punkin (daughter #2) both have brown hair. And both Precious and Punkin are CUTE as can be! Thus Red Brown and Cute is born. :)

I hope this blog will be helpful to any other parents or future parents out there. I have learned sooooo much from other parents, and I want to share what has worked for us and help others in their journey. Parenting is definitely stressful and of course most definitely worth it! But I think it's best to network together so we can help each other out because, let's face it, we really don't know what we're doing. ;)

From my family to yours, have a wonderful day!

~Crystal

"Good Moms have sticky floors, messy kitchens, laundry piles, dirty ovens, and happy kids."

*In case you're wondering, the girls have pseudonym names.