My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee

*It's been a while since I've blogged, so guess what we have four now! Three girls and a boy. Precious, Punkin, Little Miss, and Buddy. *

     The other day my kiddos and I had the opportunity to drop off my nephew at the MTC. It all went really well, except that the whole time we were in the car that day, and the day before, the oldest, Precious who is almost 7, was really on one. She was complaining about everything to do with her sister, and being loud and disobedient. Not to a crazy level, but enough that she was really grating my nerves.

     So after the MTC we went to drop off a gift at my cousin's house because she had just had a baby, and also a birthday present for her daughter (she got a new brother for her birthday!). I left the younger two strapped in the car with it running because I didn't want to disturb the family with my bundle of kids when they just had a baby (homebirth). The older two came with me and we quietly knocked. My cousin's husband came to the door and accepted the gifts then asked us if we'd like to come in and see the baby. At first I said yes, but quickly realized the babies were in the car and told him we'd come back another time. As we walked back to the car I could see that Precious' face was screwed up and she was about to cry. "Here we go," I thought. I told them to get in and buckle up, to which she responded with tears. I had had enough of her tears and whining for the day. I calmly asked what was wrong and she said she had been waiting her whole life to see a brand new baby, never mind her brother and sisters she saw just after they were born.

     I told her my reasons for not going in, but it wasn't good enough for her and she began a fit. She kept wanting to tell me over and over what she wanted and I knew what shew as going to say. I grew tired of her quickly because of all her behavior over the last couple days so I simply said to her, "Look, I am not going to talk to you until we get home."
Well, that really got her goat (where did that expression come from anyway? Someone can google it). Well, she bawled, she screamed, she demanded, and I told her sister to tell her that I would speak to her once she calmed down. Finally she said, "You hate me! You hate me!" Well, that really bothered me! Wasn't my love evident every single day, in everything I do? She has only to look around her and see everything I have given her, and only remember that each day I embrace her, protect her, teach her, and love her!

After a bit she calmed down, and when we stopped and got out of the car I took her aside and said, "Thank you for calming down. I'm sorry you were so upset, but you must know that every single thing I do for you is because I love you. I have given you everything you need, I have listened to you, hugged you, fed you, and loved you always. I think you know I don't hate you." We hugged and she apologized. Later the kids were seated at the counter as I made them waffles for dinner. I thought waffles would be nice since Rowan had a dream the night before about me making waffles. Rowan said, "You're so nice Mommy! I love you so much!" To which I responded with "Remember that next time you're mad at me."

This probably sounds like I'm trying to put myself in a really good light. Trust me this is one of my rare shining moments, not even that shiny. I don't normally have near that much patience. The real reason I wrote this down was because of the direction my thoughts were lead while this was all happening.


As I was hearing my child in the backseat scream "You're ignoring me!" I thought, "Actually, I am hyper-aware of you at this moment." I wasn't trying to block her out, I was focusing super hard on making sure I was doing the right thing, and was monitoring her to make sure I wasn't pushing too far. Then I thought, "Does God ever ignore us like this? While being hyper-aware of us?" I know sometimes we feel like God isn't there, or like he's put a wall between us, at least I certainly have, but then down the road as I moved forward in faith I realized and saw that He was there all along, and even carrying me. Like the Footprints poem.

Then I thought of one of my very favorite songs written by Rob Gardner. You must listen to this incredible composition. It will give you chills.



It is quoting Isaiah 54 to Joseph Smith the Prophet.
Sometimes God does turn from us, but it doesn't mean He's not there. Just as I was there and completely aware of her, Rowan felt blocked off, but I was there still protecting, still providing, my love and gifts still evident all around her. I believe God works that way too sometimes. Sometimes it's when we need a chance to calm down, restrict ourselves, and focus on our real connection with God with gratefulness that he takes a small step back and says "I can't give in to you here because if I wait you'll come through it and for the better, but PS I'm still here."

I truly believe that parenting is one of God's greatest tools for perfecting people to be like Him, and understand Him also.

~Crystal